Why Are Some Men Intimidated By Strong Women?

imagesHow many independent women songs do you know? (Singing Lil Boosie & Webbie’s song) “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means? You go got your own house, you got your own car, two jobs, no kids and you a bad broad.” Right, right, we see you. More props to you. Ne-yo has a softer version, “She got her own thing, thing, that’s why I love her, miss independent can you, come spend a little time…”  You got Destiny Child’s song, Mary J. Blige’s song, and Kelly Clarkson’s song.

There are dozens of independent woman tributes out there and rightfully so. They are all saying the same thing, “you are a strong woman and you do not need a man to support you.” Independence is a great thing to have, but that does not necessarily mean that you don’t want some companionship type of companionship right? What sense does it make to become successful and come home to an empty house?

Women have come up in the last 20 years. Single mothers are holding it down, (props forever on that) women with incarcerated or deployed boyfriends are taking care of business. However, in a more radical shift, single women in conjunction to doing all those other things, are now becoming CEO’s, managers, business owners, and Secretaries of State. James Brown’s song “It’s a Man’s World would be irrelevant today. The economical landscape has shifted and women are becoming bread winners and taking on the leadership roles in companies and households.

So instead of fighting for voting rights and equal pay, one of the strong independent woman’s biggest issues is finding or keeping a man. Now I am not picking on nobody or hating on the sisters for coming up. I am addressing a question that was sent to me by one of my readers.

My friend is a very beautiful successful woman with a degree, a great job and no kids. She says that a lot of men are intimidated by her, so she posed this question to me, “Why are some men afraid of dating strong women?”

So here is my response:

I think that one of the primary reasons that men are intimidated have nothing to do with the woman being too strong, but it’s about the guy being too weak. An insecure man is the worst to kind to have, because he will drag you down quicker than a crack head would.

Men find security in knowing that you need them to take care of you. This also gives us a sense of control in the relationship. The power of knowing we can take away your comforts such as your car, clothes, or lifestyle, we do not necessarily have to handle his business with the relationship. When this element is taken away, he knows that he has to step up and do more. He knows he got to help with the kids more and wash those dishes sometimes. He also knows that he does not have the last say in financial decisions. Do you remember in Color Purple when Cielie told Mister that she was leaving him? What was his response, “You’ll be back, you poor, your ugly, you’re a woman, your nothing at all.” The only power he really had was money.

That is why a lot of times you will see a guy go after a young weak or naïve woman that he can manipulate. He never wants her to be better than him. He wants to control her and take away her self confidence.

I am sure that every woman has been with a guy who has knocked everything she has tried to do to better herself. If a woman says, “I want to go back to school.” Two months later, he will get her pregnant. A woman may want to start her own business, but he is content with loading luggage and the airport. He’s going to hate on you and say, “You know you can’t start your own salon, it will fail. You should just stay in the shop you are at.”

Then on the other side of that spectrum, some women are just dating scrubs. Women will find a loser who has no intention of bettering himself, and he has chosen to live off his sugar momma. Women fall for the okey-doke all the time; some will continue to use the woman if she allows it. Let me tell you something, if your boyfriend or potential mate does not have a car at age 35, lives at home with his momma, and has more Playstation 3 Games than neck ties in his closet, he’s a scrub and not worth your time. He is not intimidated, because, he did not have anything going on anyway. You calling his broke ass out just makes him want to go over to his baby mother’s house. All he ever had to offer was swagger, which is the new term for confidence that some men really don’t have. It’s more like hollow swag. Swagger doesn’t help anybody pay bills, raise kids, cook food or take out the trash. All swagger does is make guys walk funny. Some women fall for it though.

However, sometimes the strong woman is a victim of her own success. The power can go to her head and make a woman more arrogant any guy can ever be. Some women who never had anything in their lives will sometimes come up and then all of a sudden, nobody is good enough for them. You hear things like, “He needs to be on my level.” Nobody ever says that when a broke woman is dating an NFL player, NBA Baller or some rapper. When they are called gold diggers, you hear women say, “It’s not all about the money.” See there is a double standard here. (See Khloe Kardashian)

Underneath it all, there is a war going on between the Traditional relationships vs. the Progressive one. In a traditional relationship, men controlled the money and were the ultimate ruler and authority in the household. The woman cooked and cleaned and took care of the kids. This is of course a barbaric concept in 2009. The Progressive relationship is more of a partnership that recognizes both the man and the woman as equals in the relationship, where all of the decisions, chores and responsibilities are equally shared or given willing to the best suited person. For example, my mother was better with money than my father, therefore she handled the bills. That’s cool right, especially if it benefits the household. If a woman is married to a chef, wouldn’t cooking most likely be something he was in charge of?

Here is where another problem that lies with some women. They sometimes want to revert back to a traditional role when it suits them. If they are making more money than their mate, they expect to now be in charge. Not only that, the man will be notified on regular basis of who makes the most money. Whenever you all have an argument, the most popular phrase is, “I don’t need you; I paid for everything in here….” Some men just don’t want to be bothered with all that.

That attitude usually leads to the next issue. Women sometimes can become a little disrespectful towards a guy she has a financial advantage over. When the woman is ballin’ it’s a dictatorship, when the man has the upper hand, it’s a partnership. You can’t put a guy down and disrespect him, because you making a lot of money and he isn’t. If the guy is a school teacher and he loves doing it, why knock the man. If you guys are really in it together, it should not matter that you make more.

Even if the guy is not insecure and he is okay with having a partnership, no man is going to stay in a relationship where he has to fight his woman for his manhood. Public castration or even the appearance of it will almost guarantee a woman that fourth spot in Beyonce’s single ladies video.  Men are not going to fight you for the big piece of chicken.

The point of saying that is this. Part of being strong is being able to compromise and play the position that is necessary at the time to progress the unit . Compromise does not equal defeat.

There needs to be a balance. There are some traditional elements of relationships that will work for couples, just like there are some progressive things that work. What would help women is if they are fair. You can’t choose which type of relationship you want out of convenience. Remember how you felt when a man tried to control or belittle you, because you were working at the Gap.

Relationships are difficult period. The so-called “Strong/ Independent woman attracts the studs and the losers just like every other woman. The difference is that the weak men will run away out of fear of embarrassment and insecurity, while the strong guy who can offer the woman something, just will get tired of being treated like the woman think she’s Big Red from the 5 Heartbeat. Your ego may also be taking up too much space in the room too. Be proud of your success and independence, but don’t be self righteous, he might stay around.


Filed under Opinion

18 responses to “Why Are Some Men Intimidated By Strong Women?

  1. Whitty Gritty

    This shouldn’t come as a surprise. Women with this kind of attitude can’t even keep women around let alone a man. I sure as hell don’t want to be around someone like this. They’re annoying as hell. Ladies, men don’t want any women who can potentially have more testosterone than them.

  2. It’s amazing that we see/read/hear this from a male perspective. I agree that some women are ultra conservative with their stands, which may in turn run or scare most men away. However, when a woman upgrades professionally, personally and financially, her expectations shift and the bar is raised for a man who can meet or at least try to get in her space. Men do the same thing. We all have expectations and no one should compromise or lower standards, when they know exactly what they want. In a relationship, you want a return on the investment of your time and emotions. If the man cannot give you that in the amount necessary for you to be happy, why bother?

    • Whitty Gritty

      There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a good return on your investment. But some woman think putting a man down is the way to let them know they fall short of their standards.I have plenty of friends who will straight up trash a guy when all she has to say is “I’m not interested.” Woman have a natural tendency to become combative as soon as somebody they don’t deem worthy invades their space.

  3. Ben

    For someone who is so smart, you don’t understand the definition of the word intimidation.

    Intimidation is not the same thing as threaten.

    Men who don’t go out with women are not intimidated. Anything, but. The fact that they refuse to go out is proof that they are not timid nor conform from the fear of repercussion of some act–which is what to intimidate means.

    “Man-ginas” who go out with such brutes of women, out of the fear of being called intimidated or sexist, are the ones actually intimidated.

    And since when does independent always equals more intelligence? Independent can also mean more arrogant, narcissistic, mean, nagging, ball busting, brute, crude, and stupid.

    Did I mention arrogant? I don’t think I did.

    Since these women are “happy” because of their independence–this is only a suggestion, but they should stay independent. Let their bones turn to dust…alone. Leave those who understand the term interdependent, dependent, bondage, alone–Mr. Independent or Ms. Independent.

    Apparently “successful” women like to complain about their current status which really questions how “successful” they really are in life.

    Apparently for all the intelligence that you and these women have, you both need to go back to grade school.

  4. Daria ellis

    i am a independent woman who have any and everything that a woman could wish for but a good man. i am not arrogant, selfish or any of those things. I have many friends and people love my company. A party is not a party without me, “they say”. I love men but I always find those who wants to challenge me due to the material things that they see and the fact that I do not need them. “I hate that because that shit don’t make me.” It is sad that I have to live like others expect in order to have a relationship. Well, I want more than just aa
    relationship. I want and man who can accept the fact that his woman is ambitious and want a better life for the both of them. I am not trying to wear the pants and have no desire to but I am who I am and my man need to accambitious

  5. csing

    WELL SAID Daria Ellis!!!!!!

  6. Heather

    Wow. This is a great read. You tackled the subject perfectly. I came across this article after an insecure man seemed intimidated by me for owning a home and raising my son as a single mom. I have a social life and other single parent friends that too are independent and this traditional guy was freaked out by this. I found this article and you touch on all aspects of this issue and put the whole issue into perspective. Most articles about this subject don’t give kudos to these independent women and make them
    feel as if they should have never gotten their Bachelor degree and like they should become insecure to deal with what the real problem is the insecure man. Thanks for this empowering read on a common subject.

  7. Danny

    Woman are always making the mistake of projecting their own desires of what they want in a man on to what they think men want in a women. Whether or not a woman is successful is completely irrelevant to her attractiveness to men. It’s not that it’s a negative, or intimidating. It’s just that it doesn’t score at all. Many successful women think it should score and invent the ‘intimidation’ excuse. Men want a woman who is (i) beautiful (ii) youthful and (iii) agreeable. Look at it this way – I bet there’s not a man alive who would rather go out with Barbara Bush senior than Barbara Bush Junior.

  8. Gina

    I am a 41 year old single mom of two kids who was forced by circumstances to pursue a higher education. It occured to me today that it could be my higher education and ability to pay my own bills that is hindering men from pursuing me. In the last five years not one man has shown any intrest in pursuing me. I am desent looking, considerate, and I appreciate that men thrive on being respected. Inspite of my great desire to share my happyness with someone, it seems as though noone is eager to do so with me. It hit me like a ton o bricks today that I unconsciously make men feel inferior because men are wired to take care of women, protect them and so on and I send a message to them that I don’t need a man in my life. Am I on the right track with this idea?

    • Lynn

      That sounds about right. I know many young, beautiful, intelligent (and educated) women who are still single. They have everything going for them and should have guys asking them for their numbers all the time. One has a master’s degree, did modeling for awhile, and has a very outgoing and charming personality. The only explanation is that men must feel threatened and insecure around strong women. Like the article mentioned, it’s a weakness within men who are intimidated by capable women. Sadly, it’s a very common problem I’m afraid.

      • Dante

        It’s very easy to assume that men are weak, seen from the perspective of a woman and being one yourself, Lynn. From the perspective of a man, and specifically about with the example of Gina; many women do see men as “inferior” when they don’t equate their education, wages, position, etc. However, I would never date a single mom with two children. Simply because I would never marry one. For a man it’s a lot of work to build relationships with children of another father. Also, why should I go through all that work when there are so many childless women out there looking for a good guy? I would disagree with the “weakness” theory. Women keep using that as a reason and it makes them feel “superior” when they use it. I don’t want to come home to find the lights out and the kitchen empty. If I’m gonna marry a woman, she will be waiting for me when I get home from work. Otherwise, I may as well stay single. Simple as that…

  9. You whine about men not wanting to “fight for their manhood”, you say about men insulting and belittling women who leave them and act as if that’s no big deal then go on to say shit about females getting arrogant and how they need to pander to a weak man’s need to be told “I need you” blah blah- what a bunch of shit, the only person who can emasculate a man is himself, things should be EQUAL for BOTH sexes. Women have just as much pride as men and we are stronger in all the ways that count. Men think cos they can lift things up and put them down they are so strong- aww that’s cute.*scoff* Men need to stop being such fking babies about everything. Validate yourselves instead of acting like a little boys who need a mummy figure to always say “good boy, oh wow you really helped there”- fck don’t men see how they make babies of themselves, expecting their wives/ gf’s to act like their mothers- it’s god damn creepy, grow up.

  10. RealAnswer

    Too bad that we Don’t have a real time machine to send these women back in time to see what it was really like for the women in those days that really had to Struggle to make ends meat, these women today would’ve had it real tough.

  11. MikeKnowsTheRealAnswer

    Strong independent women are the worse kind of women to date since they think their all that, and this is a very good reason why many of us good men Can’t find a good woman anymore these days to have a relationship with.

  12. Elizabeth

    We as women have navigated into a new realm of strength, independence and self sufficiency. However, we must not forget that there are great men out there wanting to love and be loved just as we do. Ladies don’t forget that some men like to feel needed and we need to allow them to take care of us. Men are special creatures just as we are and they are human; you ladies are talking about them and bashing them for unknown reasons. Look at yourselves and ask why they don’t ask you out? the vibes that we send out is what the receive and give back. Be aware of your demeanor ladies and be intentional in being kind and compassionate!

  13. Paul

    Strong independent women are so very full of themselves.

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